saturday.august.04.2001
i buried a friend today.

today, it was moe.
and i knew it was going to be bad.
my mother took me this time. which was comforting to both twiggy and myself. she never got in our way, and left us room to breathe and grieve. but she was there for us when we were ready. and i am more than thankful for that.
we arrived about twenty minutes late. not as many people were there, opposed to lightning's funeral. i'd blame that on the hard-to-find location of the church. out "in the boonies" as we say here. waaaaaay out in the boonies. sounds moe-like. twiggy and i sat in the car and looked at eachother for a few moments. we knew what was going to happen. and we really didn't want to face it.
i signed the registry in my full name. not forgetting to draw an apple next to my name. i was apple to her. so it felt right. i let twiggy go first. i was scared. i was so scared. and i had every right to be.
along the line to pass the casket (which was the exact same one they laid lightning to rest in), were thousands of pictures. pictures of moe. moe and lightning. the boys. even one of moe, twiggy, and me. i smiled as i kissed it. those pictures, is how i remembered her. that was moe. my moe. we got closer and i noticed the casket was open. i literally felt my blood chill. i held my breath and started shaking. i had wished so bad for lightning's casket to be open, and had hoped moe's was. that was a big mistake.
i looked at her.
and i had to look away.
it took all but one second for me to look at her. one second was too much. one second killed me. one second broke my heart. and i lost it. worse than when i did with kristin. i wept. no, i wailed. in that one second, i had memorized her face. and every time i close my eyes, i can see it. that's when i realized that moe didn't die. lightning didn't die. moe wasn't lying before me. lanisha was. i didn't bury lightning yesterday. i buried kristin. this pale... so pale... this wasn't moe. it didn't look like moe. and it wasn't.
it never was.
i stared at her arm and her hands. it's all i could stand to look at. she had all her rings on. she loved her rings. i was tempted to touch her, but i was so scared. i was so afraid i might brake her. she looked so frail. so helpless. i whispered i was sorry and laid my red rose right beside twiggy's yellow one (representing lightning, cause lightning's color was yellow), beside moe's right arm. i tucked a picture of moe and lightning, my only picture of them together, under her right hand. and as i whispered my i love yous, i slipped my favorite, best paintbrust out of my pocket, kissed it, and placed it in her right hand. i whispered to lightning; asked her forgiveness, that i couldn't do the same for her. then i touched moe. i held her hand. with a smile on my face and tears falling down my face like a waterfall, i told her everything. what she had done for me, as a friend, and as an inspiration. how much i loved her. how much i miss her. how much she meant to me. and that i was sorry, that i couldn't be there with her, out in the universe. that i was sorry, that we couldn't go to the mountains like we planned. that i was sorry. for everything. i told her to share her paintbrush with lightning, and tell lightning i loved her too. and finally, i asked her to wait for me. cause i was coming,
"i'm coming moe... i'm coming... wait for me..."
it was so hard to turn away from her. i could feel my heart breaking.
"i love you moe. i love you."
the people behind me musta thought i was crazy.
but immediately, after i had whispered my last word,the heaviness on my heart lifted. the knot in my throat disappeared. and my stomach settled.
i could hear her voice.
she was telling me not to cry.
"no worries, apple."
i smiled, kissed my fingers and placed them on her lips, and turned away. as crazy as it seems, she comforted me. and gave me the strength to go on. and she will forever.
i hugged moe's mother. jamie was in shambles. i hugged her tight. and whispered in her ear that i was so sorry. told her that she might not be here with us in the flesh, but she did live in my heart. as she did in her mothers. and asked her not to forget that. she smiled at me, kissed my wet cheek, and thanked me.
carol, was worse.
carol was like a father to moe. they're relationship was beyond brother and sister. he loved her like his own. and you could see the scars in his eyes. i ran to him, and him to me, and i gave the hardest hug i ever have given. we cried like babies in eachothers arms.
"moe would kill us if she saw us crying," i said.
he smiled. "yeah."
"carol.. i have... i have nothing of hers... she..." i lost it again and buried my face in his shoulder.
"i have pictures of you and her. i will get them to you. and i will find her present she didn't give you. i promise, apple. i swear."
"..get her sketchbook published carol," i whispered. "and finish her new one. please. someone has to..."
he held me and kissed my forehead.
"i promise."
i ran outside and cried for my mother.

i cried very few tears thru the eulogy. moe was holding me back. she told me she didn't want me to cry. and i was trying to keep my end of the bargin. i sat between twiggy and mr. wilborn. he had taught moe. we talked for a long time. he gave me strength. i love him to death. on the otherside of twiggy, sat skyla and rashonda. they were close to her too. we all made a promise to eachother, to never let go. we never wanted to do through this again.
i don't remember most of the eulogy. all what i remember is talking to moe. remembering. seeing. and before i knew it, they were carrying her out the door. we followed her out, one by one, to the graveyard next door. just as i started crying again, i stepped in a hole in the ground and fell. i knew it was moe who did it. don't cry, she was saying. and i tried my best to hush up.
again, i said prayers i haven't said in ages. that i never want to say again. and just as i had opened my mouth to say goodbye as i place a rose from my bushes from the front yard on her casket, i stopped.
there are no goodbyes.
i will see her again.
i smiled, kissed her casket, and whispered, later. as she had always said to me, when parting.
"later moe."
i hugged carol one more time, and quickly walked out of the graveyard. i wanted this nightmare to end. right then. my mother met us half way out. when she saw us, twiggy and i, holding hands and looking at her, tears running down like rivers, she started crying too.
"momma," i sobbed, "momma... please.. tell me why...?"
she ran to us and took us into her arms and cried with us. she looked at us straight in the eye, and did what a mother should do.
"girls..." you could barely hear through her voice cracking, "god needed painters. god needed someone to paint heaven. he needed them. and he took them. i'm so sorry girls..." she lost it as bad as we did right then.
and as we walked slowly to the car, hand in hand..

i believed it. i believe.

i love you moe. and i always will.
wait for me.

cals will always say moe.